Diary

July 25th, 2001 !!NEW ENTRY!!

I went to a poetry slam tonight in Berkeley. I went mostly to talk to this booking agent Dani, about some ideas I had for putting together some sort of monthly night of poetry and music. In going, I had forgotten to go to the bank....we'll not forgot, but was just lazy I guess. I thought, "there will be an ATM there, where there is beer, there is an ATM". Well... in Berkeley this is not the case. So it costs $5.00 to get into one of these. I had exactly $1.00. So I went in search of an ATM. Across the street was this funky little shop selling political T-shirts saying things like "Rent is Stealing" and "Food not Bombs". I really felt like I was in Berkeley now. And I met these two older gentleman outside of the place who seemed nice enough. So I asked them, "Is there an ATM anywhere within walking distance"? And of course they had elaborate ways of telling me how there wasn't one. "Well they used to have one at....and there's one at.....but they've taken it out....So basically, I was about to get in my car and drive to get money. Which really sucks. Then this nice looking black guy with a wonderful gentle smile came up and hugged one of the men and started talking about yoga and the other poetry slam right directly next door to the one that I was going to. I had begun to talk to the older men about my music and such, and had a CD out to show them. So the younger, smiling African-American guy asked to buy my CD. "How much?" he said. And I said "$5.00. Just to get me into that poetry slam. He gave me $5.00, and boom I was in.

I really felt like an artist among artists. Like somehow appreciated, yet affluent because I had CD's and probably others didn't. This bar was filled with people who seemed to be clinging to each other for support in their open hearted poetry. I sat on an uncomfortable metal chair and clapped as these beat poets rattled off their rhymes as I could barely keep up with what they were saying. And I guess it's all suppose to melt together in your head like a grilled cheese sandwich. So I sat there, clapping and letting my brain get melted. Even being a musician, and sometimes a poet I think, I felt very intimidated. 17 year old girls were standing up and almost rapping about cum and sex and feeling like their womanness was interrupted by every man in the world. Men getting up and talking about racial identity and war and struggle. It was all very interesting and provocative. Yet I get caught up somehow in myself and can't concentrate on it entirely, thinking, what the hell am I even doing here. These people feel weird to me, or in a click that I can never understand or belong to. And I hate that feeling because I grew up moving around and was never really anywhere where I belonged. In fact people ask me, "so, where are you from" and I say " the west coast". Because I don't have any hometown really. And this nakedness follows me around everywhere I go. You'd think this would make me more secure as a person. But it just makes me feel....different...cold....and alone. But still I wonder if I'll ever belong to anything. Maybe a 12 step program. ha. Nope, can't even get addicted to a single thing. Accept love, and that's a whole different story all together. That's another thing that separates me from the other people. Everyone seems to have a vice. I have music. That's my addiction. And really it's very difficult to do. It's a struggle, so maybe it is an addiction, but I'm so addicted that I don't even know it.

Okay, how long have i been going off now? Time to close, time to sleep, time to dream and feel like I belong to something, my bed.

-Beth

July, 13th 2001

Here's a letter from Jessica Dawn, a young singer from California, who wrote to Beth for advice:

Dear Beth,

I hope I don't overstep my boundaries by e-mailing you again. I know you're very busy, but just in case, I have a question for you. I was wondering what you've learned about the music business so far. I'm in Virginia Beach and it's so hard to get support as a singer/songwriter here. It's difficult to gain a fan base because people arn't as open to original music. They just want to hear the crap on the radio. (or some drunk fool on his bar stool in the corner will yell out, "Hey! Why don't ya play FREE BIRD!") I've been going back and forth about considering to relocate. Do you think it's important to be "where the music's at"? Do you think being in California has really helped your success? Some people say you can "get big" anywhere, and if you're good enough those significant people will come to you. But, with my experiences, I just have doubts about being the "big fish in a little pond". Is it true that there are SO MANY struggling musicians trying to find a record deal in Cali? I guess I just don't want to waste my time or get burned on playing here, if there are better opportunities elsewhere. Though New York scares me, maybe I should try Nashville or something. How's the recording coming along? I can't wait to hear your new songs! Good Luck and thanks so much for writing back. Sorry for all of the questions. If you get a chance, please give me any advice that you may have. Thanks again for inspiring me.

Jessica Dawn

* And here's Beth's answer to Jessica:

Dear Jessica,

Something I've learned lately is that it really is about just relaxing, and enjoying your music. People will tell you that you must promote yourself and get yourself out there, and this causes many musicians stress. It is both actually. I lived in Santa Barbara for 3 years and played in coffee shops and bookstores mostly. But it was all as I was finding myself. After I moved to SF, things didn't become easier. There were just as many problems with original music here as there was in SB, but more competition. So I had to work even harder. I have a band, and play out with them, but I've just started to hook into the singer/songwriter community here. I've been doing some acoustic shows at Bazarre Cafe and at open mics, and found it to be relaxing and rewarding. So I would say I'm getting back to my roots and finding out that I really just enjoy performing so much. And people can tell. When you get out there and just play with confidence, to anyone, it really inspires people. A mix of humility. Confidence in what you are doing, but humility in that you enjoy others as well and don't put yourself above everyone. The problem with just starting out is this feeling that you don't know something that others do. Feeling jealous of people because you perceive them to be above you. But there really is no secret knowledge. No special door to the industry. Everyone is just making it up as they go. So my advice is do what your good at, do it well, and do it often, and enjoy it. You are who you think you are. If you think you are a beginner, then you will be. If you think you are a seasoned pro with nothing to loose, you will be. Do you mind if I make this part of my diary entry for my web site? Maybe I'll come and we'll play a show together, or come up here to SF and we'll book something together. Oh and also, your fans will be other musicians, this is also very important :) Please keep in touch, and good luck.

Beth

June, 2nd 2001

Written on my drive back from San Luis Obispo:

Everything looks dirty

The sky

The grass

The air

And I'm in a hue a colored lens

A distorted gel

desert abandonment

beautiful struggle

Reality

Real Life

Man has become the monster

The Frankenstein

To rise up and kill his maker

Freakish robot existence

Against the dry hill,

Rusted out Chevy with the wheels torn off.

A mutilated doll

Sign of the monsters insanity.

- Beth Waters

May, 8th 2001

Talked to my mom yesterday. It really felt good to hear her voice. I always feel so comforted to hear her voice.

She told me something a few weeks ago about what it was like for her when she was my age. She had 4 boys at home, working and had found out she was pregnant again. Imagine, at 25 what that must have been like. It made me think about how much I really didn't know her. How much of her life I could never comprehend. It's like so many things that we are unaware of and just make up whatever we want to fit into the pieces. They say that it's like that with our eyesight. We have this blindspot where there aren't any receptors and so literally, you make up the space that you can't see so that it fits into the picture of what you can see. People make up their own realities so that it fits them. There is so much more to see. I feel like I've been seeing more of it lately. Feeling more joys from little things. I wrote a song about it just recently, here are the lyrics:

When I'm awake

And when I'm asleep I still feel it

And when I drive

Real fast through the canyon to music,

And when the sun flickers on my face

I feel alive

There's nothing here but me and the road and the sky

I can still see

And when I say and do things without even thinking

And when I breathe so deeply I run out of air

And when I close my eyes and play the piano

The perfect song is waiting for me already there.

I can still see

love

Beth Waters

April 21st, 2001

Out of nowhere, someone offered me a ticket to go to a U2 concert at the San Jose Arena. It was only $45.00 and I had seen it advertised for $100.00. So I said, sure, I'll buy your ticket. And then, as the time grew closer I realized I didn't have anyone to go with. So I called my drummer, and begged him to go with me. I said, "I don't have a ticket for you and the show is sold out, but hey, let's go and see if we can get you in".

So we went and we listened to our "Live" CD on the way down, (which I totally dig compared to the "Over The Tide" CD). We get there, and it's a zoo. There are people all over the place trying to get in, and we just look at each other and think, "oh well, we tried". Then, after a few minutes, someone comes up to us and says "hey, I've got 2 tickets, $40.00 each". "SOLD," I said, and bought one and we went right in.

It was completely incredible. We had balcony seats behind the stage, but it didn't matter because Bono (the lead singer) was kind to the whole crowd and made sure to come and sing facing us too. I have never in my life been to such an concert where the music made the crowd serge with energy. Every song that they started playing made me feel as if I had wrote it for the first time and couldn't wait to show it to someone because it was so good and so electrifying. When they performed "One", I was almost brought to tears. They had built a stage with a catwalk in the shape of a heart, so that Bono could run around it and sing to every part of the stadium. They also had incredible lights the fit each song and all kinds of stunts to keep the crowd interested. At one point, Bono used a really intense flashlight on the crowd, and when it shined on us, we all put our hands up, creating a wave all around the stadium. It was really intense, with THAT many people doing and feeling the same things and connecting with the same level of energy. I didn't even need to drink to feel light headed and absorbed in the shared experience.

It made me think about how I can connect with my listeners more and show them how much the music is more about them than about me. I think that is why they are so popular, because they make you feel like a star when you see them play. Watching them is like watching legends. You see them do what they do and you just can't believe it. I feel so lucky to be involved in something so pure.

Music is an expression so pure that it is the communication from one soul to another about the brilliance of life and of the universe.

-Beth

April, 9th 2001:

We trekked up to Chico, California to play in the Nowhere by Nowhere festival. It's a spin off of the prestigious South by Southwest Festival held every year in the Southwest. It was my first of these type of festivals. I loved it. We played at Moxies Cafe, a tiny little place with a warm friendly audience. I played 2 new songs to start the show, piano/vocals/drums. Then we had the rest of the band come up for the rest of the show. Believe it or not, many times we play for an audience of people that aren't really there for the music, so it was refreshing to be in front of an audience that was there solely to listen. Then, after we finished, we went across the street to AcoTaco, a little cafe where our friends from "Viv" were playing (also from San Francisco). We spent the rest of the evening walking from club to club listening to great and varied music. It was truly an experience. Needless to say, I was wiped out the next day.

Here is the set list from the show,

Little Star (just Beth)

Down To Me (Beth and nate(drummer))

Sweaters (Full Band for the rest of the show)

Niswey

Red

Gregory

Breakfast in San Francisco

Room To Breathe

In A Pill

clap clap clap :)

Beth